During the past couple of months i've really struggled with my relationship with God. I've been a christian most of my life and had made up my mind to stay strong and do as God Wills over my life. I remember that time being the best time of my life with lots to look forward to. Every one who had stood by me when i made this decision, looked very happy. I wanted to know, what makes all these people so happy (joyful)? I came to find out that, The Lord's Joy was their strength and would be mine as well. It was easier when i was younger, coz, not only did i depend on God for everything but also on my parents and adults around me. Growing up into my twenties was another story, i had to adapt to "live" on my own, make more adult friendships, etc which was part of my growing up process and should be for anyone else. I got support from Christian friends who backed me up and "held" me every time i needed them. God Amazed me with wonderful relationships which i'll always be thankful for. No one really ever hurt me and i had never known hurt. It was always very easy for me to give knowing that i'll get what i gave and even more in return.
The past couple of years, going to the past couple of months was a different story altogether. I realized that in some of those "strong" relationships i had made, people change. It never occured to me that this would really happen. Friends always are friends, well, at least that's what i thought. Don't people just continue from where they left? I always did in my mind, knowing that when i see them again, we'd just continue ... I relied on those relationships waiting for the day we'll just continue. It didn't matter how far we were from each other or how long we'd be apart.
But people change ...
Is it fair to say everyone?
Does that mean i didn't? Was i being unfair to expect what i had always been expecting? I never really asked any of those long "ago" relationships whether i had. Well, to cut that part of the story short, things didn't turn out the way i had always expected them to. I'm trying to be open at the same time trying to hide the fact that even those relationships that i thought wouldn't change, did change as well.
I had to learn how not rely on people any more. My relationship with God was meant to go to a different level but unfortunately, i decided to take "my road" and try to make things work for me. I wasn't sure if i'd be patient enough to wait for God to take control. I have always believed that He was but the pain for me was unbearable ....Years later, my actions affected what had always been very important to me -my relationship with God. I constantly find myself wanting to work harder to earn God's Trust in me again. I tend to fall every time a familiar sound, action, place comes to mind .... I don't want to go back, is always my struggle. I want to trust God to Work things out in my life again. I know He Can because i've seen Him Do alot for me before. "Going back" are the things i constantly lived away from.
My heart: to grow but looking at The Author of my life and how His Word Says i ought to live. But i struggle alot, every time i'm brought back to what had been when i tried to work things out for myself. I regret so much that i took matters into my own hands to make things work...
you wanna know what's "funny" "not funny", i wasn't able to work anything out at all when "i took matters into my own hands". I'm learning to rely on God so that i can handle change (something i wasn't able to do before because i had no experience of). The disappointment, i guess just really got to me. It would be hard for the reader to understand, but in a few words, i was totally on my own when i thought i will always have people around me.
Well, i talk of my past now ...the non-fruits i bore are what i've had to struggle with ...trying to get back to where i was.
Many would say, you need to forgive yourself... It's easy to say that but hard to put in practice every time i see how strained my Walk with God has become. I desire with my whole heart to be who God Created me to be and to work on it. My cry, that i don't sleep ...I want to stay awake and experience what His Word says, "...we move from Glory to Glory..."
No comments:
Post a Comment