Days ago i spent my last night in this beloved town. A town that will always hold a dear place in my heart. It's hard to believe that years ago, this is the place i got lost and wasn't to be found until i recently remembered my past, it presented an opportunity for me to remember ...
Moving there weeks before was all "green", i didn't know what to expect or what the town held for me. It was hard of course, coming from the city and having lived there for the most part of my life and "going there for the very first time....." Only to come and see familiar surroundings which brought lots of memories about my early years. I didn't even remember this place and as far as i was concerned, i had never been to Thika town.
It has had it's struggles and joys, but i'll remember the joys mostly and hold them fondly. It has had it's firsts and "lasts". I'll remember the firsts. It has taught me to step out boldly and learn how to be independent, something i didn't know how because i always relied on others, which is totally different from my early years -i always could do things on my own and very confidently, at a young age and you'll never believe how much. What changed? That's what i keep asking myself ... Being in Kenya all those years has changed me alot but i'm excited to going back to who i was, mostly because, i guess, it's now part of growing up.
It's teaching me to look forward to the "firsts" i experienced and how to share the joys. It's teaching me to be excited about life no matter where i am, how i am or who i'm with. It's opened my heart to accept new things and not let go of the old as they are important as well. It's shaping me to be someone i never thought i'd ever be, well, mostly because i just didn't think i would, "funny" enough, i was. It's teaching me to take steps, it's teaching me to embrace a day at time and not go over my head coz it's very easy for me to. With all the excitement it brings, i will admit, i'm nervous as well. I keep asking myself, if i am able, at the same time, i want to see whether i can do it -not escaping the feelings that an opportunity has been created for me to be something i've never been before but only dreamt of. I can't help planning, wondering what, how i'll play my part while not being too programmed, well, because of the planning.....
And yes, it's teaching me to forgive, all the hurt and pain; and to know that people do make mistakes, i have to and need to be forgiven as well. It's teaching me to love, inspite of, despite of, unconditionally. Kenya is/has been teaching me most of my life and i hope to hold what's helpful -not only for me but for others as well.
to be cont.
I write, because i'm excited about what opened up for me while being in Thika. I want to write a song about Thika, the song in my heart and share it when i can...
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
People react to things differently ...
During the past couple of months i've really struggled with my relationship with God. I've been a christian most of my life and had made up my mind to stay strong and do as God Wills over my life. I remember that time being the best time of my life with lots to look forward to. Every one who had stood by me when i made this decision, looked very happy. I wanted to know, what makes all these people so happy (joyful)? I came to find out that, The Lord's Joy was their strength and would be mine as well. It was easier when i was younger, coz, not only did i depend on God for everything but also on my parents and adults around me. Growing up into my twenties was another story, i had to adapt to "live" on my own, make more adult friendships, etc which was part of my growing up process and should be for anyone else. I got support from Christian friends who backed me up and "held" me every time i needed them. God Amazed me with wonderful relationships which i'll always be thankful for. No one really ever hurt me and i had never known hurt. It was always very easy for me to give knowing that i'll get what i gave and even more in return.
The past couple of years, going to the past couple of months was a different story altogether. I realized that in some of those "strong" relationships i had made, people change. It never occured to me that this would really happen. Friends always are friends, well, at least that's what i thought. Don't people just continue from where they left? I always did in my mind, knowing that when i see them again, we'd just continue ... I relied on those relationships waiting for the day we'll just continue. It didn't matter how far we were from each other or how long we'd be apart.
But people change ...
Is it fair to say everyone?
Does that mean i didn't? Was i being unfair to expect what i had always been expecting? I never really asked any of those long "ago" relationships whether i had. Well, to cut that part of the story short, things didn't turn out the way i had always expected them to. I'm trying to be open at the same time trying to hide the fact that even those relationships that i thought wouldn't change, did change as well.
I had to learn how not rely on people any more. My relationship with God was meant to go to a different level but unfortunately, i decided to take "my road" and try to make things work for me. I wasn't sure if i'd be patient enough to wait for God to take control. I have always believed that He was but the pain for me was unbearable ....Years later, my actions affected what had always been very important to me -my relationship with God. I constantly find myself wanting to work harder to earn God's Trust in me again. I tend to fall every time a familiar sound, action, place comes to mind .... I don't want to go back, is always my struggle. I want to trust God to Work things out in my life again. I know He Can because i've seen Him Do alot for me before. "Going back" are the things i constantly lived away from.
My heart: to grow but looking at The Author of my life and how His Word Says i ought to live. But i struggle alot, every time i'm brought back to what had been when i tried to work things out for myself. I regret so much that i took matters into my own hands to make things work...
you wanna know what's "funny" "not funny", i wasn't able to work anything out at all when "i took matters into my own hands". I'm learning to rely on God so that i can handle change (something i wasn't able to do before because i had no experience of). The disappointment, i guess just really got to me. It would be hard for the reader to understand, but in a few words, i was totally on my own when i thought i will always have people around me.
Well, i talk of my past now ...the non-fruits i bore are what i've had to struggle with ...trying to get back to where i was.
Many would say, you need to forgive yourself... It's easy to say that but hard to put in practice every time i see how strained my Walk with God has become. I desire with my whole heart to be who God Created me to be and to work on it. My cry, that i don't sleep ...I want to stay awake and experience what His Word says, "...we move from Glory to Glory..."
The past couple of years, going to the past couple of months was a different story altogether. I realized that in some of those "strong" relationships i had made, people change. It never occured to me that this would really happen. Friends always are friends, well, at least that's what i thought. Don't people just continue from where they left? I always did in my mind, knowing that when i see them again, we'd just continue ... I relied on those relationships waiting for the day we'll just continue. It didn't matter how far we were from each other or how long we'd be apart.
But people change ...
Is it fair to say everyone?
Does that mean i didn't? Was i being unfair to expect what i had always been expecting? I never really asked any of those long "ago" relationships whether i had. Well, to cut that part of the story short, things didn't turn out the way i had always expected them to. I'm trying to be open at the same time trying to hide the fact that even those relationships that i thought wouldn't change, did change as well.
I had to learn how not rely on people any more. My relationship with God was meant to go to a different level but unfortunately, i decided to take "my road" and try to make things work for me. I wasn't sure if i'd be patient enough to wait for God to take control. I have always believed that He was but the pain for me was unbearable ....Years later, my actions affected what had always been very important to me -my relationship with God. I constantly find myself wanting to work harder to earn God's Trust in me again. I tend to fall every time a familiar sound, action, place comes to mind .... I don't want to go back, is always my struggle. I want to trust God to Work things out in my life again. I know He Can because i've seen Him Do alot for me before. "Going back" are the things i constantly lived away from.
My heart: to grow but looking at The Author of my life and how His Word Says i ought to live. But i struggle alot, every time i'm brought back to what had been when i tried to work things out for myself. I regret so much that i took matters into my own hands to make things work...
you wanna know what's "funny" "not funny", i wasn't able to work anything out at all when "i took matters into my own hands". I'm learning to rely on God so that i can handle change (something i wasn't able to do before because i had no experience of). The disappointment, i guess just really got to me. It would be hard for the reader to understand, but in a few words, i was totally on my own when i thought i will always have people around me.
Well, i talk of my past now ...the non-fruits i bore are what i've had to struggle with ...trying to get back to where i was.
Many would say, you need to forgive yourself... It's easy to say that but hard to put in practice every time i see how strained my Walk with God has become. I desire with my whole heart to be who God Created me to be and to work on it. My cry, that i don't sleep ...I want to stay awake and experience what His Word says, "...we move from Glory to Glory..."
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